Parenting Practices of Middle Class Lesbian Couples
Mel Moore
University of Northern Colorado
Introduction
Much of the research on lesbian motherhood focuses on outcomes for children, and these findings are remarkably consistent (e.g., Flaks et al., 1995; Golombok, 2003; Perry et al., 2004; Wainright & Patterson, 2008; Wainright et al., 2004). On average, children raised by gay and lesbian parents are no different in terms of standard academic, behavioral and psychological outcomes in comparison to children raised by heterosexual parents. More specifically, Wainright, Russell and Patterson (2004) found that on numerous and quite specific school and personal adjustment measures, including self-esteem and depression, large and representative matched samples of adolescents with same- and other-sex parents did not differ. Indeed, their central finding, that the perception of caring by and a close relationship with adults result in the most positive outcomes for adolescents, occurs across family types. Other recent studies found no significant differences in gender-related behaviors or psychiatric evaluations of children raised by lesbian and heterosexual parents (Fulcher et al., 2008; Golombok et al., 2003).
In addition to outcomes for children, some research has addressed the experience of lesbian parenting. Bos and colleagues (2004) compared survey responses of two-parent lesbian families to two-parent heterosexual families on measures of child-rearing goals, parenting support, and couple dynamics. Again, few differences were found. Heterosexual parents value conformity more in their children than lesbian parents, and the lesbian “social” mother feels a greater need to justify her parenting style than fathers do. Likewise, Golombok and colleagues (2003) found no differences between heterosexual and lesbian mothers on almost all parenting practices they measured. The exceptions were that lesbian mothers spanked their children less often and were more likely to engage their children in imaginative play than heterosexual mothers. In their study utilizing a matched sample of lesbian and heterosexual couples, Flaks and colleagues (1995) found many similarities as well, yet they also found that lesbian couples had more parenting awareness skills than heterosexual couples on average. In terms of outcomes for children and parenting experiences then, relatively few differences between lesbian and heterosexual families have been reported and the differences that are found are not consistent across studies.
However, in their critique of this literature, Stacey and Biblarz (2001) question this conclusion. They contend that differences tend to be downplayed because of a presumption that any differences, no matter what they are, may be used as political or legal evidence against lesbian parents. Additionally, the predominant methodology, comparing lesbian with heterosexual parents, suggests that heterosexual parenting is the ideal or “gold standard.” Instead, Stacey and Biblarz propose, gay and lesbian parents offer a natural test or critique of traditional gendered parenting roles and should be examined not only for possible costs but also for possible and unimagined benefits. A fuller understanding of this family form is needed, beyond how it compares to heterosexual forms. In fact, lesbian couples face different challenges than heterosexual couples when they decide to become parents, in terms of methods of conception and the associated time and cost involved, and because they parent in a culture most supportive of heterosexual couples in parenting roles. Additionally, we know very little about the dynamics of two-women parental families. Some recent qualitative research on the experiences of lesbian mothers includes investigations of lesbian “step-families” (e.g., Lynch, 2000; Hequembourg, 2004), surname selection processes (Almack, 2005), mother-child intimacy (Gabb, 2004), fatherhood and male role model debates (Clarke & Kitzinger, 2005; Goldberg & Allen, 2007; Donovan, 2000) and genetic considerations in donor selection (Jones, 2004).
One study examines the transition to parenthood and resulting division of labor for lesbian couples who had children in the course of their relationship (Reimann, 1997). Equality and shared parenting values, as opposed to biological connections, were paramount in the division of paid work and child care labor for these couples. Along these lines, in this study, I examine the general parenting stories of middle class lesbian couples raising children together. Through interviews, I explore their preparation and planning for parenthood, their parenting philosophies, and their division of child care labor. I pay particular attention to how these couples operate without gender as a means for making decisions and dividing parenting responsibilities. In order to control for a variety of structural circumstances, all participants are self-identified lesbians in a cohabiting couple relationship raising children conceived through donor insemination after the start of their current relationship. Of course, lesbian mothers occupy many family forms with some raising children outside of a couple relationship and some raising children born in the course of previous relationships or acquired through adoption. The sample restrictions in this study simply allow for response comparisons while controlling for family structure, in particular, the timing and method of acquiring children and the degree of biological connection to children. The analysis of these interviews then is intended to expand our understanding of the meanings and behaviors associated with this specific, increasingly common, and relatively unexamined family form.
Method
Participants were recruited through a variety of means. A flyer describing the project was posted at a community center for gays and lesbians in a large metropolitan area and distributed at organized events where lesbians might gather, such as the annual Gay Pride festival. Excerpts from the flyer also were included in e-mail newsletters of lesbian parenting groups across the same metropolitan area. Additionally, after interviews, participants were given flyers to distribute to anyone they knew who met the conditions for this study.
This sample then is self-selected and non-random. Moreover, this study was conducted in conjunction with a documentary project about the parenting experiences of lesbian mothers. Research participants were asked to allow their interview to be videotaped for possible inclusion in a documentary film. The dual purpose of this project was made clear in all flyers and other materials designed to solicit participants. These stories then represent only those unique individuals willing to participate in this duel-purpose project and only those willing to initiate contact with the researcher. As a consequence, these couples are likely to be especially comfortable and/or proud of their family stories.
The requirements for participation were that each partner in the couple self-identify as lesbian, the couple cohabitates, and the couple has given birth to and is raising at least one child conceived through donor insemination after the start of their current relationship. The resulting sample size is small with just five couples matching the criteria and agreeing to participate in this study. All couples are solidly middle-class with occupations including a teacher, an elementary school principal, an airline pilot, a marketing executive, a restaurant owner, and stay-at-home mother. Both partners in four out of the five couples identify as European-American. All participants are in their 30’s or 40’s, and their partnerships vary from 3 to 15 years in length.
Each couple was interviewed about their parenting experiences together in their home. The primary interview lasted between 2 and 4 1/2 hours. Usually children played in a nearby room as the interview occurred and would drop in on the interview to ask a question or get help from a parent. Generally, children were too young to participate in a meaningful way in the interview process or to alter the responses of their parents.
In all cases, interviews were non-directed with only general open-ended questions designed to elicit participants’ parenting stories. In particular, couples were asked when and why they decided to have children, if and how they altered their lives in preparation for having children, what specific parenting strategies they employ, how they divide child care labor, and what goals they have for their parenting and their children.
Results
Planning for parenthood
These couples were remarkably consistent in the degree to which they all engaged in extensive planning before having children. Each couple described a long and thoughtful process. One couple began talking about having children while dating, 10 years before they actually had children. One partner reported, “We talked about it when we were dating. We talked about it a lot. We planned a lot. We just wanted kids.” Five years into their relationship, they began the process. Although they knew they were going to have children, they felt it was “a big decision,” and they waited until they felt ready. In terms of when to begin the process, the other partner described it this way.
“Most of it was timing related. When did we think we could afford it. You know, what were we going to do about our respective careers. . . And of course, where would we live and be in the best position to send them to a school where they would be accepted, and the issues around having same-sex parents wouldn’t be a problem.”
Ultimately, they decided to have two children with each partner getting pregnant using the same donor. In advance, they agreed that if they had twins the first time, they would not get pregnant again, and in fact, that is what happened. Indeed, their response to twins mostly revolved around learning all that they could about it and engaging in even more planning. As one of them explained,
“we knew that we were going to have twins early. None of this –oh my God, I am pregnant and I am five months along-- thing for us. So we were able to really plan, and we purchased all the things we needed ahead of time . . . we had like dog food for six months stored in the garage, and we had gourmet meals frozen . . . that we can just pull out and throw on the grill or on the stove so that we did not have to go out. . . We planned a lot.”
They also took classes to help cope with what to expect when delivering twins, and then what to expect in the first six months with twins. After giving birth, they joined a twins club that they found very helpful.
Another couple who had been together fifteen years also began talking about having children early in their relationship. One partner reported that she “always wanted to be a mom.” Her partner had interest in having children as well but was not as clear that it would happen. She worried that her lesbian identity would preclude it, and could not imagine how two women would become parents. She also had reservations about whether or not lesbian couples should raise children. She had not known of any lesbians who had children outside of a prior heterosexual relationship, and she worried that any child raised by her would experience the stigma associated with her “alternative lifestyle.” The turning point for her came when she watched a television interview of Rosie O’Donnell, a talk show personality, who described her story of parenthood with her lesbian partner and her political effort to effect legislation to allow gays and lesbians to adopt foster care children. This participant explained that Rosie O’Donnell’s arguments were persuasive because she had worried that her interest in being a parent was “selfish.” After viewing that interview, she decided that she was as capable as any heterosexual woman who might have children, and with so many children in need of a home, she concluded that becoming a parent could be a self-less act. In fact, this couple’s first route to acquire children was through their county’s foster-adopt program. However, when they realized that only one of them could adopt the child and that that person would have to present herself as a single woman, not officially acknowledging their relationship or the intended role of the other partner, they decided that would constitute lying, and did not pursue it further. Although they were reassured that the agency would treat them as a couple and only the paperwork would reflect a single parent adoption, this couple agreed that it betrayed who they were and would be a deceitful start to the child’s life. They also felt it was “too risky” for the non-adoptive partner.
They then considered using a “known” donor, but decided against this option because of the possibility of legal challenges and because their effort to secure a suitable known donor failed. As they saw it, they were left with one of them becoming pregnant using an unknown donor and began researching cryobanks and their health care plans. They both agreed that the partner with the greater interest in experiencing pregnancy and who also happened to have better health care coverage would carry the child.
At this point, their major concern was with how health care professionals would treat them. Both expressed a great deal of surprise and relief at how welcoming the doctor and nurses were at their first medical appointment. They feared questioning of their relationship and their intention to have children together as “out” lesbians. Instead, they were put at ease and assured that many other “out” lesbians had come before them and successfully become pregnant at this HMO’s fertility clinic.
Another couple’s preparation for parenthood included a desire that their children not be impacted by their lesbian identification. They carefully scouted neighborhoods and schools when deciding on a place to live.
“We agonized over their pre-school. We looked at I don’t know how many preschools (turning to her partner) what was it? (Partner smiles and shrugs) We chose one based on the staff and the director. Probably not the nicest facility by any stretch of the imagination but definitely the best place for (our children) to be.”
They also made a point of being “out” everywhere in their lives and felt that was important for their children. One partner described it this way.
“You know we’re, we’re very conscious of being out at work and when we are out and when we parent. It is almost the first thing that comes up because we don’t, we don’t want (our children) to ever feel like we are ashamed of our situation so we are just very upfront about it. Very casual about it and so far we have not had a bad experience.”
In fact, this couple was eager to offer a number of confirming experiences. For example, they recounted how the director of their children’s school had told them that their daughter had asked one of her friends about what their “mommy and daddy” would say about something. To this, their friend responded, “how do you know I don’t have two mommies?” Their daughter got it quickly and said, “oh yeah.” For the couple, this indicated that the process of assimilating the difference in their family structure is continual for all involved. They also found this revealing in terms of how easy it can be for children to incorporate structural differences in family. One partner added “other kids at school will come up and say now, are you (their child’s) mom or mommy? You know, and say, she doesn’t have a dad right?” When she confirms that for them, the children take it in as if confirming it for themselves and yet offering no judgment. As one partner explained, “kids just want to put it in the right place.” In fact, many children at their child’s school are quite clear about the fact that one partner is “mommy” and the other is “mom.” The couple explained that when one of them picks up their child, her arrival is announced by the children who happen to see her first, and those children are able to immediately and accurately convey to their children that either their “mom” or their “mommy” is here.
Another couple’s preparation for having children was quite elaborate as well. They bought their current home because there would be “room for one or maybe two babies.” Both arranged their work around having a baby with one partner cutting her hours substantially. Then, they waited until “it was the right time for both of us.” They considered a variety of options for conception. Known donors, including one partner’s brother, were considered but ultimately not used because of concerns about legal custody challenges and damage to extended family relationships. As one partner explained, “it became way too complicated to try to manage the relationships. How could we be the parents and not have someone else kind of, you know, take over. It just felt too risky.” She added that using her brother would mean all kinds of family dynamic confusions because he has two children and “the whole family dynamic about, ah, it would just be so complicated.” At this point in their analysis, this couple realized that biological connections were not important to them anyway. In fact, it was the partner who did not intend to carry the child and who had considered using her brother who made the case that an anonymous donor was the best solution because it was so “simple.” She had no qualms about the baby not being biologically connected to her. “It didn’t seem like it was worth it. It wasn’t that important for me, for the baby to have my genes.” The selection of the anonymous donor was evidence of her lack of interest in being genetically linked to the child. As she explained,
“That’s a funny thing, deciding on the donor because in the end, it just felt like pick one, like I mean, there were so many things, so much information, so many things that you could use to choose a donor and the easiest things were physical characteristics. You know what was the height and weight and hair color, eye color and when you think about those things they are so superficial. They don’t really mean anything . . .”
Indeed, the deciding factor in their donor selection process was an attitude the donor had.
“What made us finally decide on the donor that we did was uh you can purchase more and more detail information as you are going through this process. You can get the short and the longer profile which is more history. You can get a baby picture and we actually purchased an audio tape and this is what did it for us. That the, he goes through an interview and ah, he’s asked all about his family, what he likes to do. He sounded like really positive and energetic, but at the end of the interview, he said that if there was one thing that he could wish for a child, one of his sperm, it would be that for them to just believe in themselves and that they could do anything that they put their mind to and I thought that was so sweet. And ah, so that is what kind of clinched it for me. And for both of us.”
The process of having a child took this couple almost three years. They had miscarried twelve weeks into a pregnancy and waited three months to try again. With subsequent alternative inseminations, they felt she was becoming pregnant right away but that the pregnancies were not being sustained. Being in her 30’s, she tried hormone injections and eventually opted for in vitro fertilization. Both characterized the process as “difficult,” “long,” and “expensive.” Yet both were sure that it was the right thing to do and well worth the effort.
Responses and support from family and friends
One couple reported that their families and friends were happy for them and thought that it was about time. They were reassured that their families thought they would be great parents. The parents of the partner who did not carry the child though expressed some concern about their relationship to the child because there would be no biological investment from her side of the family. When the partner explained that it was “the same” as her sister adopting a child, along with reassurance, much discussion, and pictures, her family came to appreciate her role as a mother to the child.
The couple having twins relayed that while both of their parents and all siblings live in other parts of the country, they received a large amount of welcomed support from their families when the twins were born. With many laughs, they described how their mothers bonded with each other when they each had extended visits shortly after the births. As one partner conveyed,
“We have been very lucky. Our families are very supportive. Ah, especially the family members we are close to. They are very involved. They come out every chance they get. They never miss the kids’ birthday. It’s pretty amazing. They are out here constantly.”
Friends also serve as important extended support systems for this family. One partner characterized the involvement of their friends in their family this way.
“Our friends love it because a lot of our friends don’t have kids so what they do is they end up kind of adopting ours. You know, they get, they go ‘oh, I went to buy them something. It was so much fun to shop for two year old little girls.’ So they come over with armloads of things and, you know, they are compensating for not having kids. Our friends are great, and they realize that a lot of times, we are not going to be able to do things with them, but they also are sometimes very aware that we have kids and so they will pick events that we can bring the kids to.”
In another couple, one partner’s family was very supportive and happy to see her wanting and having a child. “My family thought it was great,” she reports. Her parents visited as the couple prepared for in vitro fertilization, and they visited the week after the baby was born and “helped out tremendously; they love him, no question.” In contrast, her partner’s parents have had difficulties with her being a lesbian and have not accepted the baby as their grandchild. This partner explains that it has been a long (12 to 13 year) process for her parents. “My dad in particular has struggled but he is coming along with the idea that his daughter is a lesbian.” Just as she felt her family was beginning to accept her and her relationship though, things changed. “My parents had us stay in their home, which was a huge step and so he’s (her father) so, you know, he loves me very much. And you know he, they, really like . . . (her partner) pretty much. It is just a struggle for them to try to come to terms with all of it.” However, she explains that having a child together was a set back. “My dad just feels it is wrong um for us to have a child um because he doesn’t feel it is fair to the child to kind of put him in the situation where they are going to be brought up, you know, in a family where there is going to be, you know, bias towards the family.” The complexities include the fact that her parent’s friends are not aware that she is a lesbian.
“My parent’s friends don’t know that I am gay so, so when we go back to New York or down to Florida to the condo its, you know, it’s this big secret.”
Now, the secrecy solution does not work with the new baby.
“so now that there is a baby in the picture, we are not exactly invited down to Florida. And we are not exactly invited to their home, you know this time. And ah, it hurts.”
When the baby was born, there was some movement in her family. Her mother and sister came to the baby’s baptism, but her father did not. Although she describes frank conversations with her father and reiterated again and again that she is sure he loves her, she is uncertain about how or if their relationship will be resolved, and is unclear about her parents’ role in her son’s life.
“Hopefully, you know, one day, he’ll accept ---- (her son) as his grandchild. Um, when we told him we were trying to have a child, their question to me was well, how solid are you and ---- (her partner)? Because we don’t want to develop a relationship with the baby that is, you know, that could be our grandchild one day but really not be our grandchild. And they were shocked to learn I was on the birth certificate. Uh, I mean just shocked. And ah, I think that that solidified in their mind or is helping them get closer to the realization that they do have a grandchild and, you know, we sent pictures. My mom actually said that my dad said that ---- (their son) is really cute. . . hopefully one day, he will um, he’ll just come to accept it. If he doesn’t, you know ---- (their son) will, you know that is another question or struggle well, does ---- (their son) have grandparents on my side of the family or doesn’t he? And are they going to be called grandma and grandpa, like who are these people to ---- (their son)? . . . I just don’t want ---- (their son) to feel rejection, and I don’t want him to feel that stigmatism. It is funny, you know, my dad feels that it is wrong for us to have a baby because of things like that, yet he, he’s actually causing it. And that is the only situation where I see . . . a real conflict.”
One couple has a 14-year-old son and shares custody of him with her ex-husband who lives two blocks away. They consider the ex-husband, his wife and their children extended family members, and all of them have dinner together most Sunday nights.
Parenting philosophies and practices
Interestingly, each of these couples were passionate and adamant about equally sharing child care
One partner explained it as follows.
“We just divide them equally. . . We have from the very beginning. We either take both kids or give each other time off or we would take one kid each which we call ‘divide and conquer’ and then we would be able to give them alone time, and it is actually a lot easier to have one kid. But we always, from the very beginning, and I think it is why several uh um women who have children who are married to men are really jealous because two-mom families are incredible because there is no question about dividing the work. You do.”
In fact, with a relieved smile, her partner immediately added the following.
“Yeah, all my straight girlfriends are jealous of the fact that that um I have someone that does the – at least the– at least half, if not more, of the work with the girls- ah- which has been so nice.”
Their perceptions that their division of childcare labor is equal and fair were not open to question. My probes resulted in one agitated research participant confirming that “we don’t have specialties. We both are really disciplined. We both do fun things. We are about the same.”
Their decision making around parenting was described the same way. Couples were generally emphatic that important decisions were made together and that neither had more say than the other. One couple explained that they were extremely similar in their parenting philosophies and practices and rarely experienced disagreements. In fact, they had negotiated just one rule that effectively ends all matters about raising their daughters on which they cannot agree and that is that the person with the most conservative position “automatically wins.” Persistent probes about possible disagreements with respect to parenting philosophies or behaviors resulted in a barrage of reminders that both partners were clear that they work well and are a true team in their parenting. One partner explained that
“We have the same rules on discipline. We try to back each other up when it comes to the kids you know. They do try to play that game with you. As soon as you try to discipline them, the first thing they say is I want my mommy. They will try to play one off the other. We try to be really aware of that.”
In another couple, one partner left her job to care for the baby “full-time” because she was less invested in her job in terms of education and had no advancement opportunities compared to her partner. Although she had some doubts about being an effective full-time care giver to their son, she expresses continual delight at having her “little Buddy” at her side and finds much more fulfillment in the experience than she imagined she would. Her plan is to take some classes and return to paid employment when their son begins school. After taking the maximum maternity leave available to her, her partner returned to her administrative job in the school district. She “takes over” on weekends and when she gets home from work in the afternoon during the week. For two months in the summer when she does not work, she becomes the “primary” caretaker. Although she wishes she was with her son more often, she “maximizes” her time with him by putting him to bed each night with “many stories.” With some regret, she acknowledges that she does like her job and feels she has the best of both worlds. Even this couple then, with a stay-at-home mother strive to share parenting activities as much as possible.
Participating in the school that their children attend is a central activity for one family. They serve on organizing committees for the school, present at career day, and have lunch with their children at school on occasion. One partner recounted her position in their class this way.
“I am a little bit of a hero right now with the kids at school because I do ‘pilot’ day in the summer and so, you know, they get little wings and all kinds of treats in the bag and and so they love me and they, you know, they don’t even think twice about the fact that the kids don’t have a dad. They think like it’s just cool to have any kind of parent at all that gets involved.”
Her partner added, “we will have lunch with them and you know, all of the other kids just wish that their moms would come and have lunch with them.”
In summarizing their experience of raising their children, this couple again talked about their children’s assimilation at preschool. They described how the other “kids can just adapt so quickly and have actually no judgment about it whatsoever. . . at least at this age anyway, we have not had any problems at all. They (their children) are all still very young.” Another couple summarized what they intend to do in terms of raising their son with the remark from one partner that “There is no book on how to do this. You know, you don’t know what to say and when to say it and how to deal with things until they unfold themselves.”
Conclusion
These five couples have much in common in terms of their parenting practices. All longed to be parents and substantially rearranged their lives in advance of having children. Living arrangements, work hours, and finances were assessed. None of these couples began the process of having children together until they were in their 30’s, and all have privileged socio-economic status. Each couple describes extensive conversations and analysis in advance of and subsequent to having children, and all attempt to share parental responsibilities. In fact, division of labor is deemphasized and predicated on “equal” and “shared” principles. The selection of a donor, although generally an exciting process for these couples, was not perceived as that important. At least at this stage in their family’s development, all couples downplayed the relevance of biology in general. Donor information is saved for discussion with their children at some later date, and the partners who did not experience pregnancy and contribute genetic material reported only minimal consequences of this in terms of their status as parents. Moreover, each makes a point of being “out” lesbians in the community in an effort to mitigate any consequences for their children, and all minimized the need for a “father” for their children.
In addition to their lesbian identities, being solidly middle class, being parents, and their willingness to participate in this research project then, these couples share a remarkably distinctive collection of circumstances and values. This is not to suggest that these couples are representative of lesbian parents in general, rather these similarities may be indicative of those willing to participate in this kind of study or their similar socio-economic circumstances. The uniqueness’ of the process of becoming parents for lesbians though, for example the cost involved and the requisite intentionality, may account to some degree for these commonalities. In terms of intentional parenting, these couples had to employ a complicated, expensive, and often time-consuming process to become parents. There were no accidents here. In addition, all felt some apprehension and need to justify their desire to become parents. Each couple seemed to make a well-practiced case for their qualifications for parenting. They mentioned their years of babysitting, involvement in the lives of close nieces and nephews, and careful consideration of the costs and benefits of parenthood for them and for any children they might raise. For these couples then, parenthood was not a simple choice or a taken for granted status. In contrast, many heterosexual couples become pregnant without forethought or planning, and none encounter the kinds of societal objections that lesbians experience. Indeed, it may not be “fair” to compare all heterosexual couples to lesbian couples who intentionally create children together. The more apt comparison to determine the impact of sexual orientation or gender of parents may be with heterosexual couples who utilize the more cumbersome techniques that lesbians typically employ to achieve pregnancy. It makes sense that differentiating between parents with long versus short or no advanced strategizing around becoming parents may be key to understanding parenting differences, along perhaps with age and socio-economic considerations. For example, while research shows that lesbian parents are more likely than heterosexual parents to emphasize imaginative play (Golombok et. al., 2003), to avoid spanking their children (Golombok et. al., 2003), and to have more parenting awareness skills (Flaks et. al., 1995), these differences may be more about prior commitment to and investment in parenting than it is about the gender or the sexual orientation of parents.
In terms of shared child rearing, these couples overwhelmingly argued that this was a central value for them and something they put into practice without much difficulty. An advantage that lesbian couples have in this regard is an absence of gender as a means for dividing child care labor. As one participant remarked, “there are no rules for this.” There are no societal and familial expectations about who should do what. The result is that variables other than gender can be used to determine how child care labor is distributed. As found in other research, these couples sought to maximization each partner’s desire and income potential. Practical considerations and personal preferences substituted for gender in determining who does what. Although some find that the biological mother does more of the child care in lesbian couples (e.g., Goldberg & Perry-Jenkins, 2007; Patterson, 1995), this was not so for these couples. Again, each argued that their goal was to share child care, and for one couple, the stay-at-home parent is not the one who carried the child. For a second couple, shared parenting is accomplished through detailed scheduling. Only for one couple might there be a disproportionate amount of child care performed by the biologically-connected parent.
In terms of the role of gender in their parenting practices, one couple noted that they thought their child got more than most in terms of “mothering,” and while they thought this was probably a good thing for him, they had some reservations that he might get “too much.” Three couples expressed some concern that their children might miss “something” from not having a father in their lives, yet they could not pinpoint what that something is, and none characterized this as a major problem. One couple offered that any negative consequences were outweighed by the benefits of having two mothers, and another thought that having two devoted parents of any gender was more than enough for a child.
A striking and unexpected feature of these interviews was the plethora of normalizing strategies. Each of these couples kept returning the discussion to how “normal” and “boring” they are. They described their families as “typical” and “regular.” Even probes about differences, advantages, or disadvantages of a two-women family structure resulted in couples offering still more evidence of their similarities with “mainstream heterosexual” families. They emphasized that their daily routines were commonplace, involving such activities as taking their children to the park, making them lunch, and tucking them in at night. In fact, some of these research participants expressed concern that they should be “as normal as possible” in all other arenas of their lives because of their lesbian identities. Indeed, none of those interviewed were involved in organized political activities involving gay and lesbian focused issues.
The primary “difference” reported by two of these couples was that lesbian couples may be ideally suited to raise children because as one participant said, “what could be better than having two mothers.” Another couple offered that their heterosexual women friends were jealous of the degree of sharing of parenting responsibilities. It was not just that a second parent was present, it was that that second parent was as involved with the daily and mundane aspects of parenting as the other parent. For example, no discussions about what to make the children for lunch or where to pick them up from school were needed. Just one couple expressed significant worry about incorporating the “second” mother into the institutional life of the child. This same couple was not aware of and, therefore, did not take advantage of “a loophole” in state law that allows lesbian couples to file a court petition before birth resulting in a court order to include the “other” mother on the birth certificate. For them, there is some concern about the non-biological parent’s lack of legal or biological connection to the child because they wonder if that partner will be able to pick the child up from school, make medical decisions in an emergency, or be perceived by others as a “real” or legitimate parent to the child as the child gets older and begins school.
All of these couples then report overwhelmingly positive and remarkably similar parenting stories. Except for fairly constant references to being “tired” or “too old,” participants were exuberant about being parents. One couple laughed about peeking in on their infant son “all the time,” and each participant made it clear in their interviews that their children were their first priority. The children though are still young with ages ranging from 6 months to 7 years. Perspectives and experiences may change over time. At this point, the primary negative experience reported by these couples came from the reaction of their own families.
In any case, it is clear that because of their distinctive parenting values and practices, understanding these particular couples, or others like them, may reap rich rewards in terms of understanding intentional parenthood, shared child rearing, and same gender parenting practices. Of course, the numerous limitations in this study beg for more research into the specific dynamics of two-women parental structures. In particular, studies that tease out the role of sexual orientation and that examine “shared parenting” that involves little to no differentiation in knowledge and activities between partners are needed.
References
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